QUOTABLES FROM SNL'S 'WEEKEND UPDATE WITH AMY POEHLER & SETH MEYERS'

QUOTABLES FROM SNL'S 'WEEKEND UPDATE WITH AMY POEHLER & SETH MEYERS'
Published: February 12, 2007

(Saturdays, 11:30 p.m. – 1:00 a.m. ET)

"WEEKEND UPDATE" CO-ANCHOR AMY POEHLER -- "Earlier today, Senator Barack Obama announced his candidacy for President. Upon hearing the news, Hillary Clinton punched a pillow so hard it turned into a diamond."

POEHLER -- "This week, Senator Obama answered doubts about his experience by saying he has gained tremendous insight from his work as a community organizer, civil rights attorney, constitutional law professor, Key Club president, 4H treasurer, lunchroom monitor, two years of jazz and four years of tap."

POEHLER -- "Many Republicans are upset with House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's recent demand for regular use of the Air Force's C-32, the same type of aircraft that the Vice President and the First Lady use. They're also not thrilled with her demand to be carried around Washington 'Cleopatra-Style.'"

"WEEKEND UPDATE" CO-ANCHOR SETH MEYERS -- "Senator Joseph Lieberman said Tuesday that Congress should consider 'war-on-terrorism taxes.' Or, as they're currently known, 'taxes.'"

MEYERS -- "The FDA on Wednesday approved over-the-counter sales of the weight loss drug Orlistat. Next up for the FDA? Recalling Orlistat."

POEHLER -- "This week, in an ironic twist, while making a speech on global warming, Al Gore froze to death."

POEHLER -- "A new survey shows that America's Jewish population has reached 7.4 million. But for you, 5 million."

POEHLER -- "A London hair stylist has been using bull semen to soften his clients' hair. Worse, it's 'Bull' from 'Night Court.'"

MEYERS -- "Richard Knoebel, a police chief in Wisconsin, wrote himself a $235 dollar traffic ticket, and docked himself four points on his driving record for driving past a stopped school bus with its emergency lights flashing. Knoebel then argued the ticket and beat himself half to death."

MEYERS -- "The Reverend Ted Haggard, who was forced out of his church after a former male prostitute alleged that Haggard Paird him for sex, says that he is now 'completely heterosexual' after attending an intensive three-week counseling program. Hear that gay people? Three weeks. Stop being so lazy."

MEYERS -- "An Illinois man, who is a Chicago Bears fan, will legally change his name to Peyton Manning after losing a Super Bowl bet. Though as far as his family is concerned, he'll always remain 'Rex Grossman.'"

MEYERS -- "The Dalai Lama, Tibet's exiled spiritual leader, has been named a presidential distinguished professor at Emory University. The Dalai Lama says that while it is an honorary position, he will still try to use it to bone some undergrads."

POEHLER -- "A 76-year-old woman from Malaysia, has been reunited with her family 25 years after she got on the wrong bus. And, just as they'd feared, she forgot to pick up eggs."

POEHLER -- "For many of the Super Bowl's 93 million viewers, the highlight of the broadcast was Prince's halftime performance. Let's face it, no one plays their huge, erect penis better than Prince."

MEYERS -- "This past weekend, a woman in Atlantic City, New Jersey gave birth to her baby in a casino...and then another...and then a lemon ... agh, so close! Even worse, during the delivery, she crapped out."

MEYERS -- "Archaeologists in Italy have discovered a couple buried 6,000 years ago, still hugging each other...which I'm sure was her idea."